How to Fight Fair With Your Spouse

Rules, rules and one more time rules. You have to set them to make your family conflicts “safe” for your relations. Think about sport: every game has it's own rules. And your marriage is also some kind of a game, that needs rules to be followed by each and every player. That's why whenever you have a fight with your spouse, don't forget about the following rules.

Don't use a degrading language. Avoid insults, swearing, name-callings and put-downs. Using these words shows that you don't respect your spouse and you intentionally injure him or her.

Don't yell. Raising up your voice doesn't mean that you will be heard much better. It only makes your spouse start protecting themselves and children, if you have them. Whenever you start yelling, calm down. Only then begin the conversation and tell, what made you feel this way.

Remember, that yelling may be subjective. You think that you don't yell, but your spouse sees it the other way round. Perhaps, you rose in a family where all members were passionate and very loud, while your spouse has totally different experience. So raising up your voice even just a little bit may be yelling for your spouse, while you think that you were just talking almost calmly.

Don't blame. Blaming your spouse distracts you from solving the problem that you have now. It also makes your spouse start defending themselves.

Don't use force. Using physical force or threatening with it is unacceptable in any situation. If you're very emotional about it, then develop a self-discipline and watch your limits. Using force for hurting your spouse or acting your anger in any other way violates the right of your partner for a safe life.

Talk about yourself. You can't identify neither how your spouse feels, nor should feel. Don't say sentences beginning with word “You”, use “I” sentences instead. This way you will make it clear for you spouse how you feel and see the situation.

Don't use past. Never remind your spouse about your other fights or how someone messed up. Your issues from the past have to stay where they are. The past is not changeable, while present and future are.

Don't interrupt. When your partner speaks, don't interrupt and listen. No matter what you want to tell, jest let your partner express their point of view. It's hard to make any deal when you talk over top of your partner and interrupt.

Don't involve third parties. Other people don't have to know why you're fighting, unless they really can help you resolve the situation. Whether it's your or your spouse's parents or family therapist, make sure that these people are unbiased.

Watch what you're saying or doing, if you have children. Children may become the unwilling witnesses of your fights. They remember everything that you say or do, and very often they blame themselves for your arguments. Watch what you're saying or doing, if your children are around and may hear or see this conflict.